Fleeting glances
by Nienor
Summary: A series of short fics and drabbles concentrating on the life and relationship of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. In other words, SLASH
1. Spinning

Fleeting glances

A/N: Hello there. This thingy is an ongoing series of ficlets, drabbles and short fics. You know when you get an idea that just goes on and on in your head and you just have to write them down? These are mine.

These are fleeting glances at the life and relationship of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Not in any kind of order.

Please note, this is NOT A MULTICHAPTERED FIC, but a series of short fics.

Disclaimer: Not J.K. Rowling. Own nothing. If I did, the Christians would have burned ALL of the books, everywhere.

Warnings: Boy-love, cursing, stuff.

Spinning

'We need one more boy,' Lily Evans ordered.

'Why?'

'I've always played this so that there's been as many boys and girls,' Lily continued, crossed her arms and lifted her chin up. Sirius sighed and gazed around the common room. No one seemed willing to play. Some of the older students were giving them amused and exasperated looks.

'Go and ask that Lupin boy,' James said.

'He never plays with us,' Sirius muttered, but got up anyway and disappeared into the staircase. Three months to their first year, and he had found two best mates ever, James and Peter, but had hardly changed a word with the small, shy and slightly aloof dorm mate of theirs. Sirius had to admit, though, that he was curious about the quiet boy. There was something about him that made Sirius oddly restless.

Lupin was sitting on his bed when Sirius entered the dorm. He looked tired and his greeting smile was somewhat hesitant and wary.

'Hi. Could you come down and play with us? Apparently, we are one boy short.' Sirius asked, glancing at the various books spread on the bed.

'Um. I don't know...' Lupin started. His amber eye also swept over the numerous books

'Please. We can't play, if you won't come,' Sirius said. It wasn't strictly true, but it didn't matter. There had to be some way of getting the boy out of his shell. He was starting to annoy Sirius.

Lupin sat still for a while, staring at his fingers. Finally he glanced up.

'Okay, I'll play,' he said. Sirius grinned happily and skipped back to the common room, Lupin in tow.

*

Everyone smiled at Remus when he came to the common room. They were already sitting on the floor in a circle. Nervously Remus seated himself on the floor next to Sirius, trying to shift as far away of him as possible. He wasn't too fond of Black, actually he was almost scared of the loud and wild boy, although he would never admit it.

'Right, Spin the bottle, everyone knows this game, right?' asked James Potter, the other boy of whom Remus was slightly wary.

'I don't,' he still managed to utter. James looked a bit shocked, but launched into an explanation only a second later.

'You just spin the bottle, and kiss whoever it points at. Simple as that. I'll go first.'

As Remus watched the spinning bottle, he already regretted coming down. Kissing was something he didn't want to do, especially not with his class mates staring at his every move. He fidgeted nervously as the bottle finally stopped and pointed at a blond girl Remus didn't know. To his relief, the kiss was only a quick peck on the lips. The girl spun the bottle and it landed on Sirius. Another quick peck. The girls blushed and giggled. Sirius spun. The bottle pointed at Alison Williams, another class mate of theirs. A small kiss was exchanged. Remus was slowly starting to relax. The girl spun, and Peter got his first kiss. Peter spun and got to give a shy peck to Lily Evans. Lily spun the bottle and with horror Remus realised it was pointing at him. He looked at the girl with wide eyes, expecting to see disgust, but to his surprise Lily was already moving towards him with an almost eager look on her face.

And so Remus got his first kiss. It was quick and didn't really feel like anything much. Nevertheless, he was a bit dazed when Lily sat back again with a smug look on her face.

'Your turn,' Potter said, sounding bored. Remus quickly spun the bottle and paled when it stopped to point at Black. This wasn't even remotely fun anymore. Remus decided never to leave his dorm for anything else than transformations, food, classes and library. Before he had the chance to get cold feet, however, he turned his head and kissed the boy next to him quickly on the lips.

When he drew back, everything was silent for a while. Then, suddenly, the room was filled with raucous laughter that seemed to go on forever. Wide-eyed, Remus stared around. Everyone in the little circle was laughing madly expect for Sirius who was blushing. The boy had an amused grin on his lips, though.

Remus sat there, horrified. He had obviously done something very stupid, but he didn't know what. His heart was beating loudly and his face got hotter and hotter by the second. Finally the laughter seemed to die down a bit.

'You... you... aren't supposed to kiss... boys...' Lily Evans finally managed to say between giggles.

Remus stared at her for a while and said the only thing that came to mind:

'Why not?'

'Well, boys don't want to kiss boys, and girls don't want to kiss girls,' answered James Potter, still chuckling. Remus' face still seemed to grow hotter every second and he was close to tears now. He didn't dare to look at Black.

'You said to kiss whoever the bottle was pointing at,' he muttered, staring at the ground. He did NOT want anyone to see his red, shining eyes.

'I guess I did. But I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to kiss a BOY,' James snorted.

'He hasn't played before!' Lily Evans said, now sounding angry. James just chuckled again. Remus got up shakily.

'I've still got some homework to do...' he mumbled and escaped the common room. He thought he heard another burst of laughter behind him when he blindly made his way to the dorm.

*

Downstairs, laughter died when they realised Remus had run off.

'Gods, how stupid can you be?' James said, rolling his eyes.

'Don't call him stupid! He gets better marks than you, Potter!' Evans snapped.

'Only 'cause he hasn't got anything else to do than homework!' James huffed back. Lily pouted angrily and turned to look away.

'Your turn,' James said to Sirius. Sirius looked at the bottle and shook his head.

'Naah, this is bloody stupid game anyway. I'm off,' he said and slowly made his way to the stairs, not bothering to listen to the indignant shouts of James.

Lupin had already closed his curtains when Sirius reached their dorm. He wasn't surprised, he had seen how flustered and miserable the other boy had been. He shouldn't have worked himself up to such a state over something so stupid.

Sirius prepared himself quietly for bed, changed into his night clothes and brushed his teeth, and snuggled into the warmth of his covers. As he lay in the darkness, he could still feel his lips tingling.

It was probably the toothpaste.


	2. Sweating

Sweating

The sun was shining mercilessly from a blue, clear sky. Bees were humming around the green houses and the herb garden. There was no slightest gust of wind, nothing to ease the moist heat that clung to Sirius and made his shirt and pants damp with sweat.

'I hate you,' Remus hissed at him from the other side of the row. They were squatting on the dry ground, turning over the hot earth and preening the straight rows of different herbs, breathing in the heavy, tangible scents of drying and rotting herbs, under the watchful eye of their sadistic caretaker.

'I hate you so much I'd strangle you if I could!' Remus hissed and threw a handful of dusty earth on his eyes. Sirius sat back for a second, trying to wipe the sting away from his eyes. The earth got mixed with the sweat that was pouring down his forehead, covering Sirius' face with mud.

He couldn't blame Remus for the stinging words. It had been entirely Sirius' fault that they'd been caught. The idea for the prank had been his. He had planned it. Badly.

And it was so hot Sirius felt his brains melting. His back was aching so much he doubted he could ever stand straight again. His arms were in pain too, and covered in tiny scratches because of the more violent sort of herbs. But his legs were still the worst. After two hours of squatting on the ground, they could feel nothing. And every time he needed to change place, they came alive. First they started to tickle, then to ache, and next they were so full of pain Sirius was sure he would faint.

It was two days after full moon. Despite the heat, Remus was so pale he looked like he was made of marble. He too was sweating, but at the same time Sirius could see he was shivering. He could only imagine how sick and ill Remus was feeling.

'I can see you are doing well. I'll go and fetch me a nice cup of cold pumpkin juice. I'll come and see you, oh, in about an hour, hour and a half?' the caretaker cackled and walked away slowly, humming to himself. Remus growled deep in his throat, making Sirius shiver.

As soon as the man was out of sight, both boys stood up and stretched their legs and backs. Sirius let out long, pained groans, but stopped the second he heard Remus let out a sob. The boy had stood up, but had fallen down again, now panting on the ground on all fours. Quickly Remus scrambled a little way off and threw up on the yellowing grass.

'Moony, you're too weak to do this. We need to get you to Madam Pomfrey,' Sirius said quickly, trying to keep his voice down. Remus got slowly back to his feet.

'Shut up, Black. You got me in this mess, I'm not going to let you make it worse,' Remus snapped. Sirius was quiet for a while, watching as his swaying friend bent down again and tugged out some useless weeds.

'But full moon was two days a go! You should be in bed!' Sirius said after a few minutes when he wasn't able to look his shuddering, greenish friend anymore. He realised this was the wrong thing to say, when Remus looked up, his eyes like solid steel.

'_I will NOT use it as an excuse_,' Remus said slowly, every word like a stone thrown at Sirius.

'But – ' Sirius said, foolhardily.

'Just shut up, you bastard!' Remus snapped. Sirius did, out of surprise. Remus didn't usually use coarse language. Sirius kneeled down, too, and resumed their work, occasionally glancing at the now crimson face of his friend.

The sun was still burning them. Heat rose from the earth. Clothes clung to them, drenched in sweat. Birds were not singing, even the bees were now too sluggish to fly about. Sirius was sure he now saw tears of pain mixed with the sweat on Remus' face.

'Fuck!' Remus finally hissed and stood up suddenly. Sirius looked up in alarm.

'So fucking hot! Can't fucking BREATHE!' Remus mumbled. Indeed, every word seemed to cause him pain, and his every breath seemed laborious and shallow.

'I'll go and get Madam – ' Sirius started, but his words died in his throat when he realised Remus was peeling off his long sleeved school shirt. Four years in the same dorm and Sirius had never seen Remus without a shirt, despite his numerous attempts. And now Remus was lifting his damp shirt off, revealing inch by inch his pale, smooth skin. Now and then thin, silvery lines crossed the otherwise faultless surface, begging to be traced by a finger or, preferably, a tongue. Now it was Sirius who had troubles with his breathing.

Remus threw Sirius a distrustful and warning glance and looked down at his now exposed torso with hatred and loathing. He kneeled down again, but Sirius had already got an eyeful of his lean upper body, of the brown, pert nipples, of the golden patch of hair just above Remus' belt, of the beauty of it all. Sirius realised his pants were now clinging to his crotch quite tightly, making it impossible to move without delicious friction. He swallowed and took a deep breath.

And then Remus' scent filled his nose and sent his mid reeling. Earth, sweat, musk, soap, wet fur, chocolate, sex,_ RemusRemusRemus_ . Sirius was swooning, taking in shallow gulps of the moist air, feeling the friction of his pants on his hardness even more clearly. Every heart beat, every breath, every shudder made his tight pants glide over his aching erection.

'_Fuck, I'm gonna - _'he thought worriedly, standing up. After half a second, he crouched down, trying to hide the bulge from Remus, who was now staring coldly at him. Sweat was trickling down Sirius' body, tickling, teasing his over sensitive skin. His pants were getting damper and damper, sweat and pre-cum soiling them. And if he could not get away _right now,_ he would soil them even further.

'I – I need to take slash,' he muttered, scrambling away, half-crouching. Remus snorted.

'Trying to skip work? I'll make sure you get the weeds with thickest thorns, then!' Remus yelled after him, but Sirius was in no condition to answer. Every step carried him closer to his climax, every move made him see stars. He dashed behind the nearest green-house, squeezing his twitching cock through his pants. He unzipped them, trying not to touch the over-sensitive head, but his knuckles brushed against it anyway. He plunged his hand in, past the damp sweatband of his boxers, trying to free his erection, but it was too late, too late, and he was coming, coming, coming, adding sticky wetness to the sweaty dampness of his boxers.

*

Awkward, Sirius kneeled beside the row of herbs again, avoiding Remus' eyes. The mess in his pants was trickling down his thighs, making him feel awful and ashamed.

'Fucking wanker,' Remus huffed quietly and Sirius bent his head, hoping Remus would never question the blush spreading on his cheeks.


	3. Girly girls and butch boys

A/N: Here's the next ficlet I've wrote.

Muhaaauder asked me, if these ficlets could be related to one another. I don't really think so. This is just a place where I'm going to put all my short S/R ficlets, and for example, there could be three or four first kisses at some point. But if you feel they are related, that doesn't matter. They could be if I was writing a longer fic and those were different scenes.

And I agree, fourth year was a bit too early in the last one. Writing it made me feel like a sick pervert. But then I realised that I am one, so it doesn't matter :D

Thank you for all the lovely reviews and enjoy!

Girly girls and butch boys

"Gods Sirius, you're such a GIRL sometimes!"

After this angry huff, James threw his hands up and marched off, swearing under his breath.

"Girl? I'm SO not girly," Sirius huffed at his retreating back.

"Girly?" Sirius muttered to himself as he slowly made his way to common room. "I play Quidditch like a pro, I've got girls queuing behind the dorm's door, I eat like a pig, I smell even worse and I've got muscles even in my earlobes. There's nothing GIRLY about me," Sirius raved on and flopped on to the couch next to Remus, having finally reached his destination.

"Sorry, what was it?" Remus asked. He was deeply concentrated on frying his marshmallow just right. Sirius watched as he consumed the sticky sweet noisily. Remus was licking his fingers clean when Sirius finally remembered what he had in mind.

"I'm not girly... am I, Moony?"

"What?"

"James says I'm like a girl," Sirius explained and then waited silently for the judgement. Remus surveyed him quietly.

"Well, there are some who would say that fucking boys makes you a girl", he finally said and grinned.

"A boy, one boy, and he didn't mean THAT," Sirius said, "but really, I'm not a girl at all, am I?"

"Hm. You do have an obsession with your hair and looks. You ogle at famous rock stars and giggle. You love bubble baths. And the colour pink," Remus ticked off points.

"Pink is actually a very lovely colour, and I think it only proves my masculine manliness that I have the balls to wear it!" Sirius defended himself.

"Well, yes... but maybe the pink underpants with pink silk ribbons were taking it a bit too far. Not that I minded," Remus said. Sirius shrugged.

Remus kept looking at his boyfriend for a while.

"This really bothers you, doesn't it? How odd, the coolest boy in the school worried about something so trivial."

"But I'm not girly!" Sirius shrieked and pulled his hair, though very carefully.

"James has called me a girl a million times. He has a point, too. I'm quieter than most boys, I like to read, I do my homework like the nice little girl that I am, and I almost prefer chocolate to sex..."

"No one could think you're a girl!" Sirius said, and he meant it too. How could anyone think that this boy, so full of pride and courage and all things great and manly, was in any way feminine? Well, apart from the chocolate-thing?

"The point is, James uses more hair products than all the girls in our class put together, he follows Evans around like a love struck schoolgirl, he shrieks like a girl every time he sees a bat and he won't wear anything that hasn't been touched by some designer guru," Remus continued and smiled at Sirius.

"All boys are a bit girly, Padfoot"," he clarified.

"What, even Robin McCartney? That butch Quidditch player who always walks around with that tiny blond girl? The beater? He looks like a bull and he has the arms the size of tree trunks! The one, who once ate a whole turkey? That Robin, who beat Hagrid in arm wrestling? The one, who once emptied the whole common room with just one fart?" Sirius gushed. Remus gave him a slow look.

"Padfoot, Robin McCartney _is_ a girl," he said. Sirius' eyes went wide.

"Look, it doesn't matter what James calls you. We all are a bit girly and all the girls have some balls. It's as simple as that. You're not just a boy or a man, you're _you_," Remus went on. Sirius thought this for a while and finally nodded.

"Why does it bother you, anyway?" Remus asked curiously. Sirius blushed.

"Well, I just... I don't want to be a girl," he mumbled.

"Girls are not that bad, you know," Remus said.

"Yeah, but you... you like boys," Sirius stuttered. Remus stared at him for a while and then snorted.

"Now, that was GIRLY," he said and chuckled. Sirius pouted and made to leave. Remus grasped his arm.

"Oi, wait a second. Sirius, you will always be man enough for me. Even in pink undies with pink silk ribbons."

Sirius tried to look dignified, but failed.

"Well, I shall go and put them on, then," he said.

"You do that. I'll be right up, love", Remus said and smirked at the pleased smile on Sirius' face. He gazed fondly after Sirius.

"He's such a girl sometimes," Remus muttered to himself and slowly made his way up the stairs.


	4. Penboy

A/N: Another little ficlet. This one came up when I was happily digging through my pencil case. Pens are NICE. Thanks to all readers and reviewers!

Penboy

Remus Lupin had a fetish. It wasn't a sexual fetish; it was just something that gave him pleasurable sense of achievement and effectiveness and order.

He loved pens. Quills, too, but somehow they just were too... fluffy. He used them when he had to, but for everything important he used a pen.

At the moment he had 23 of them, neatly arranged in his remarkably wide pencil case. His favourite was a beautiful sleek black ball point pen with black ink. His second best was a rather old and average-looking pen, but the ink was the prettiest green Remus had ever seen. It shimmered. He also had red pens. Those he used to correct plans and essays of his friends.

Of course he also had normal pens, with normal blue ink. These he used for everyday purposes such as letters and notes.

All 23 of his pens lay in his pencil case in a neat row and whenever Remus thought about it, he felt a smile tugging at his lips. Yes, not much of his life made sense, but by Merlin, his pens were in order. And they were so _pretty_ and nice and one smelled of cinnamon and he could do amazing things with his pens.

And in the middle of this history lesson of utmost boredom, Remus decided that he could allow himself a little, tiny peek. Slowly he lifted the lid of his pencil case and let his gaze run over the multicoloured row. Yes, the blue ones, all five of them, so neatly arranged from the lightest to the darkest. Then the cinnamon scented. Remus resisted an urge to pick it up and have a sniff. He wasn't a weirdo, after all. A white pen with white, "invisible" ink. Two with red ink. Others, in perfect order, side by side. Remus felt all warm and happy. He closed his eyes and lovingly glided his finger over the perfect row.

But then. He felt a hole. His eyes flew open and a strangled moan escaped him. A HOLE! A PEN MISSING!

It was the black one, his favourite. Remus stared at the empty space. Suddenly he didn't feel happy and warm at all. HE HAD LOST HIS PEN!

"My pen..." Remus moaned in agony, closing the pencil case and cradling it to his chest.

"My PEN!"

It came out as an agonised wail, but no one paid him attention. Except Sirius who sat next to him.

"Oh, sorry, mate. I've got it right here. No worries, eh?" Sirius said happily and brandished the pen. Remus stared at it. The sleek surface was covered with greasy fingerprints. There were teeth marks in the end that only an hour ago had been faultless.

Remus let out a tiny sound, kind of like "eep", and backed off when Sirius tried to offer him the pen back.

"I just borrowed it to make myself a tattoo. Look at this!" Sirius said and pushed back his sleeve. On his wrist, a detailed, if a little smudged, dragon danced.

Remus gurgled. Oh, how he hated Sirius and the fact that the other boy could destroy his sense of peace, his happiness, his world, so easily. Oh, how he would avenge this. He would destroy the most valuable thing in Sirius' life, destroy it and then build it again so that he could destroy it again!

Sirius scratched nervously his scalp with the pen. Scratched! With Remus' pen! The horror, the pain! The white, disgusting flakes of dandruff poisoning his pen! Why did Sirius look so nervous, by the way? Remus decided to stop his pained moaning in order to question his friend, but Sirius beat him to it.

"Uh, did myself another one, too. Look at this..."

Sirius lifted the hem of his shirt and revealed another tattoo, this one on his perfect abdomen. It was horribly smudged, but Remus could still see the wavy outlines of a heart. In the middle, he could see the words SIRIUS LOVES REMUS.

_Bollocks, he must have used all the ink on those, the bastard_, thought Remus as he stared at the words.

Then his valued pencil case fell from his numb fingers and crashed on the floor and the pens scattered all over the room and his greedy classmates pinched them and stuffed them gracelessly into their stuffy backpacks.

"Oh," said Remus.

"Yeah, just thought I'd let you know," Sirius grinned and bent forward to give him a chaste kiss on the cheek. He placed the mutilated pen on Remus' unresisting palm.

Oh, how Remus hated the fact that no one could tear down his defences like Sirius. How no one could get inside his skin like Sirius. How no one knew him like Sirius. How no one could break down his life like Sirius. How no one could build it back up like Sirius. How no one could tear apart even the vaguest resemblance of order in his life like Sirius. How nothing was in order without Sirius.

And how Remus loved it.

Even more than his pens.

"Want me to help you to get your pens back?" Sirius asked, glancing at his quiet and pale friend a bit worriedly.

"Huh? What pens?"


	5. Beauty Tips

Beauty Tips

Remus opened his eyes and yawned widely. The dorm was still dark and quiet. He reached for his wand and the clock.

Six a.m. On a Saturday morning. And he could feel that sleep was no longer an option. Remus sat up slowly and grumbled quietly to himself. He was _not_ a morning person. People somehow expected him to be, but if they ever dared to wake Remus up too early, they were sorely proved wrong. He _detested_ mornings – the coldness, sleepiness, lack of sunlight. He couldn't even eat breakfast, because he often felt too dizzy and nauseous. On a normal Saturday, he would have slept at least till noon. But the full moon had been only a few days ago and that always messed up Remus' sleeping patterns.

James and Peter were still snoring peacefully in their beds and Remus threw an ugly look at them. Bastards. They were not morning persons, either. The only morning marauder was Sirius. And he was awake and gone already, Remus realized as he stared with his bleary eyes at the empty bed. What a bastard.

Shakily Remus got up and made his way to the bathroom. He might as well have a shower. Long and hot one, preferably. He was _freezing. _

The bathroom was full of steam and someone was in the shower already. Sirius, of course, Remus thought. He looked around and spotted a big black box on a bench nearby.

It was _the_ Black Box, the one Sirius protected with his life, full of mysteries and secrets. Suddenly Remus felt much more awake and very, very curious.

"_I shouldn't", _he thought guiltily as he touched the smooth lid of the Box. But then again, Sirius had only a few days ago stolen his journal and read it. So what if there were only school notes in it? It was still his and Sirius had no right to go through it. So really this was only revenge, and that was only to be expected. Anyway, Sirius wouldn't leave anything really bad lying around.

After this little inner monologue Remus finally peeked into the Box. Sirius had had it for years, and he had let no one near it and now, finally, Remus would find out what was so important to his friend.

He gasped quietly. So _that's _why Sirius got up so early. He _preened_. _Groomed. Trimmed. _And used all this stuff!

'What's ya doing, Moony?'

Remus turned around guiltily, still holding the two bottles he had fished out of the Box.

'Nothing?' he said and tried his charming "shy, innocent boy" smile. Sirius glanced at his face, at the bottles and then at the Box.

'You've been going through my stuff!' he huffed.

'Uh…'

'I mean, who has put all that stuff in my Black Box?' Sirius corrected. He was getting steadily redder.

'Um. Beauty product faeries?' Remus suggested.

'Yeah. Those sneaky bastards,' Sirius mumbled and tried to snatch his Box back. Remus held tightly onto it and rummaged through its contents eagerly.

'Moisturizer! Lip balm! Tweezers! Lotions! What do you _do_ with all this shit?' Remus giggled, dancing teasingly just outside Sirius' reach, still holding tightly on the Box.

'Well, I moisturize, balm, tweeze and lotion,' huffed Sirius angrily and made another attempt at getting his possessions back.

Remus sat down on the bench and hugged the Box to his chest.

'Seriously, why do you bother, Padfoot? Do your looks really come out of a bottle?' Remus asked curiously and held up a blue tube. The label told that the product was called "Pure pore magic".

'Of course they don't! I just… enhance,' Sirius said, hesitated and then sat down next to Remus. Remus stared at him incredulously.

'Look, it just has to do something with my family,' Sirius explained, 'mother and father are really weird when it comes to how people look. "Thou must look like an aristocrat, thou shall not wear silly clothes" and blah blah blah. Mother nearly got a heart attack when I got my first spot.'

'You don't have any spots', Remus pointed out.

'Yeah, because I use these', Sirius said patiently.

Remus stared at the tube thoughtfully. Puberty had been quite kind to him, but there always seemed to be these annoying spots on his chin.

'So how do you use this?' he asked and gave Sirius the tube.

Sirius gave him a long look and then avoided his gaze. For some reason, Remus thought Sirius acted very shy and nervous, which was a first.

'Um, well, would you like me to give you a little… facial?' Sirius asked.

'A little what? That sounds really… weird,' Remus said, swallowing the word "kinky".

'Facial. You know, do some stuff to your face.'

'Oookay,' Remus said. He was still a bit sceptical; after all, he had known Sirius for several years now and "do stuff to your face" wasn't the most comforting thing ever to have come out of the boy's mouth.

'Yeah, so we start with this,' Sirius said and opened the tube he was holding.

'Wet your face, Moony,' Sirius ordered and Remus did so, still hesitating. Soon he felt Sirius' fingertips on his forehead.

'I'm just gonna spread this. This is face scrub. You have to massage your skin lightly with it,' Sirius mumbled and moved his fingers lightly over Remus' face. Remus could feel the little hard particles scraping his skin, but it didn't hurt. He realised that Sirius' hands were shaking.

It took a while, but finally Sirius took his hands away and washed them.

'Wash your face really well,' he said. Remus did as he was told and then straightened up and tried to grasp a towel.

'No wait, use this... here, let me,' Sirius said and soon his fingers were back on Remus' skin, tracing his cheeks and nose and forehead and chin, over and over again.

'What's this stuff?' Remus asked and then spat quickly. He had swallowed some of the stuff and it tasted _vile_.

'Just face wash... hang on... okay, wash your face.'

'Again?' Remus asked incredulously but bent down and washed the stuff away.

He straightened up and sat quietly for a while.

'Wow, I feel _clean_!' he finally exclaimed and touched his face carefully.

'That's the point, Moony,' Sirius said, 'now sit still and let me spread this lotion.'

'What's that?'

'It makes sure your face won't get too dry. Close your eyes.'

Remus did so and concentrated on feeling Sirius' fingers moving gingerly over his skin. It was a curious feeling. He hadn't really thought Sirius to be able to touch anyone so gently. The boy's hands were still shaking. Remus felt him tracing the curve of his cheek slowly and he could smell Sirius' fresh breath hitting his lips. Sirius was probably just inches away and suddenly Remus was scared of opening his eyes. The intense looks Sirius sometimes gave him made him nervous and exited at the same time. Remus had never been a coward, though, and so he forced his eyes open.

Sirius was indeed only inches away, his gaze locked on Remus. When he saw Remus staring back he stopped his ministrations. For a while, they just stared at each other, both breathing very quietly, Sirius' fingers resting just beside Remus' lips.

Remus was the first to draw back and he cursed himself inwardly for it.

'Was that all?' he asked and stood up shakily.

'NO! Your, uh, lips look a bit chapped,' Sirius said quickly.

'I chew on them...' Remus said distractedly and sat down again, shifting niftily a bit closer to Sirius.

Sirius fished something out of his Black Box. He poured some water on his fingers and then moistened Remus' lips quickly. Remus resisted the urge to jump, either closer or just straight up and out. But then Sirius' fingers were on his lips again and his eye lids fluttered shut. Sirius' fingers were coated with some grainy gunk, but Remus hardly noticed. He hardly breathed. He hardly thought, concentrating solely on the fact that Sirius was touching his lips, so gently, so sweetly, and so adamantly as if he never wanted to stop.

But he did stop and just wiped Remus' lips clean before handing him a tube of lip balm. Remus put it on himself and tried to catch Sirius' eye. The boy was looking determinately away. Remus tried to escape the awkward moment and dug deeper in the Black Box. An orange, glittery tube got his attention. He took it out.

'What's this? "For those intimate moments between you and your lover. Spice up your sex life!" What the hell, Padfoot?' Remus giggled.

'Oi, give me that!' Sirius shouted.

'No way. Hey, you haven't even opened this... massage oil, right?'

'Yeah, I just bought it, 'cause...' Sirius tried to explain, but Remus was now too curious to listen.

'Oh, chocolate and cinnamon! Those are my favourite scents!' Remus said, still giggling.

'I know,' Sirius said quietly.

Remus sobered up quickly. He carefully avoided Sirius' gaze. Another awkward pause followed and so did another quick, desperate rummage through the Box. Remus picked up a random tube and squirted some of the contents on his palm. It was clear, almost odourless liquid.

'What's this stuff, then?' he asked the distracted and restless Sirius. Sirius glanced at the tube and blushed redder than Remus had thought possible.

'Oh no. I... give that back!' Sirius moaned. He seemed so distressed that Remus handed the tube back, but he still stared at Sirius questioningly. Sirius shifted and stuttered for a while and then took a deep breath.

'Fine. Right. I use it for wanking, okay?' he muttered. Remus stared at him, blinked and looked down embarrassedly.

It took him a few moments, but finally Remus dragged his eyes up and locked eyes with Sirius.

'Oh. Okay. So... how do you use it?' he asked bravely, voice shaking just a bit.

'I... what?'

'Can you show me how you use it?' Remus pleaded, never taking his eyes off of Sirius' shocked face.

They stared at each other for what felt like hours, and then, finally, Sirius popped the tube open again.


	6. Etymological Discussions

Etymological discussions

Everything was quiet in the sixth year Gryffindor boys' dorm room. Too quiet. Remus Lupin inched carefully his way over the room to his bed. Knowing the usual habits of his dorm mates, Remus suspected this only to be the quiet before a storm.

James was probably somewhere stalking Lily. Peter... oh yes, Peter was in detention. But that still left Sirius. And where Sirius Black was, there was never quiet. Thus, he could not be in the dorm.

Happy with this conclusion, Remus threw his bag on the bed and pulled out a scroll of parchment. Time for some serious homework.

There was someone in the room. Remus paused and listened. Yes, someone was breathing heavily. And the noise came behind Sirius' drawn bed curtains. Remus knew very well that this could lead to some mental scarring but bravely he crossed the floor and yanked the curtains aside.

Sirius was sitting on the bed, hugging his knees. He stared at Remus with wide eyes, completely silent. This was not typical behaviour, not at all. Remus truly hoped this was nothing serious, because an upset Black was hard thing to handle even for a full-grown werewolf, and even harder for a teenaged one.

"Padfoot? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be somewhere causing much alarm?" he asked as lightly as possible. Sirius didn't look upset, more like... confused?

"I was, Moony. I was in Hogsmeade... " Sirius said.

He wasn't upset. Remus relaxed and sat beside his friend.

"Well then. Why are you here now?"

"I saw something ," Sirius whispered. Remus frowned.

"Saw what? Something dangerous? Should we go to Dumbledore?"

"NO! Nothing like that!" Sirius said hastily.

"What was it? Was it that goat again? I know it stinks, but..."  
"No, not the goat."

"Tell me, then, so I can get back to my homework. "

Sirius was quiet for a long time. Then he finally burst.

"I went to this alley behind Hog's Head. And I saw two guys, kissing. And the other one had his hand in the other's pants!" Sirius whispered and stared at Remus, shock evident on his face.

Remus kept looking at his friend, waiting for a clarification. None came. Remus was slightly disappointed by this openly homophobic response. After all, he had some not-quite-straight tendencies himself.

All right, fine, so he was about as straight as a rainbow-coloured Slinky.

"I didn't know you can do that! I didn't know two boys can... do stuff," Sirius continued.

Remus stared.

"As I recall, you have quite often called people gay. Including Professor Slughorn", Remus reminded gently.

"What that has to do with anything?" Sirius asked.

Remus stared some more.

"What do you think 'gay' means, Padfoot?" he asked tiredly. Sirius shrugged.

"Well, James is always calling everyone stupid and gay, so it's just another word for stupid, right? Like... it means happy, or it meant happy in the old days, so maybe it's stupid to be happy or something. "

Remus couldn't stop staring at this point.

It was possible, of course. Sirius was a pureblood and they did not discuss things like this in the family. Homosexuality did not exist. Neither did werewolves, vampires (unless they had style. And money.), centaurs or hundreds of other creatures who were considered somehow "wrong". It was possible, that no one had ever explained to him that there were men who loved, fucked and kissed each other.

But why in Merlin's name did it have to be Remus who finally had to explain this all to him? Why? WHY?

"Gay means a boy who likes other boys. Likes as in loves them and kisses them and wants to have sex with them," Remus said. It came out easily enough.

Sirius was quiet for a long time.

"Oh. And there are people... men like that?" he asked. His voice sounded tiny and Remus had to give him a hard look to make sure he really was Sirius.

"Yes. And girls who like girls, too. And people, who fancy both", Remus said, but Sirius didn't seem to hear or care.

"Why... why hasn't anyone told me?" Sirius whined. Remus smiled. This was more like the Sirius he knew.

"It's not exactly a dinner time talk. And, uh, purebloods tend to regard them as highly as werewolves. Even James seems to have some problems with them. Besides, you have been told, in a way. You can't live a day in this castle without learning at least a couple of names. Gay is the nicest of them. Pouf, fairy, queer, queen, faggot, fag, shirt-lifter, pillow biter..."

"Fag? Like... cigarette?" Sirius asked.

"Uh, no idea."

"And shirt-lifter? Where does that come from?"

"How should I know?" Remus asked, already dreading the next question.

"Pillow biter? Why would they chew on pillows?" Sirius wondered.

Remus pressed his hands against his eyes for a few seconds and then glared at Sirius. The boy _must_ have been taking a piss. But no, all he could see on the boy's face was honest confusion.

"Well... it has to do with sex," Remus finally sighed. Sirius looked expectant.

"It's… well. They sort of. Kind of. You know," Remus explained eloquently and motioned vaguely with his hands.

"Huh?" Sirius, surprisingly, didn't catch on.

"Just… leave it, okay? You'll find out somehow…" Remus mumbled and tried to escape. Sirius grasped his hand and forced him to sit down again.

"Please, Moony. How do men have sex? Please?"

It was strange to hear Sirius asking for something so nicely, almost begging. Remus watched his friend and a slight seed of doubt began to grow. Normally boys were quite interested in what was going on between two girls. It was incomprehensible for Remus, but other boys seemed to love the idea of two girls "doing it". How come they had such a problem with two boys, then?

But Sirius didn't seem to even remember girls existed.

"Okay. Um. Well, from what I've gathered, it's not always painless for men to have sex. Because two men… well the other one puts his… thingy… insides the other ones arse," Remus managed to mumble. He glanced up. Sirius was wide-eyed and flushed.

"And the word pillow-biter, well, if the one who's being buggered is on his knees on the bed and if it hurts or if he needs to be quiet, he… you know, bites the pillow. I think. Um."

Remus hesitated and grew silent, staring at his hands.

"And there really are men like that?" Sirius asked after a while.

"Yeah."

Another silence.

"I didn't know," Sirius whispered. Remus looked up at him and gasped quietly in surprise. Sirius was _crying_!

"What is it?" Remus asked worriedly.

"I never knew there were other boys like that! Like me!" Sirius said between gulps.

Remus was staring again. Was it even possible? Was it possible that Sirius had spent sixteen years of his life thinking he was all alone in the world with this, that there was something horribly wrong with him, that there was no-one like him?

And if it was true… oh, how lonely the boy must have been.

Something seemed to grow very soft and warm inside Remus.

"Oh, Padfoot," he said and smiled softly, wiping a lonely tear away from the other's cheek with his thumb.

"Of course there are boys like you. Lots and lots of them. Some have a problem with that, some even try to deny that, but those people are a bit stupid, blind or just prejudiced. There are millions of boys like you.

"Really?" Sirius asked, hopefully, pitifully, and wiped his cheeks dry.

"Really really."

"So I'm not…"

"You are not the only one, Padfoot. Trust me. In fact, you are not even the only one in this dorm," Remus said.

Sirius processed this for a while and then blushed.

"Oh," he said, not quite meeting Remus' eyes.

" Oh indeed," Remus said with a little chuckle.

Sirius glanced at him and they shared a small, secret smile filled with new thrilling possibilities, warmth and quiet understanding.


End file.
